what if quotes funny
All the time. I go to the supermarkets to watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids. Steven Wright, Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring… ‘How to Build a Boat.’ Steven Wright, A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Will Ferrell, Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, you write on walls and you get poked by people you don’t know.
Will Ferrell, Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet. Fred Allen, If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. Sicilian Proverb, It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.
Oscar Wilde, A woman’s mind is cleaner that a man’s; She changes it more often. Jim Gaffigan, The majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.
"My husband and I have never considered divorce ... murder sometimes, but never divorce."
Laura Swenson Click to tweet. Let these funny quotes about life remind you of such times but Time is like a river. Groucho Marx, When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. I’m really protective of my penis. Wealthy Gorilla is one of the fastest growing self-development websites worldwide; with articles and stories covering everything from quotes, net worths, richest lists, self-development lessons, and more.
Bullshit. There are few things more monumental in life than your wedding day, but as these funny marriage quotes might suggest, there are also few things sillier than marriage.
Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
Jon Stewart, If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us? Some of the quotes below are pure gold! Ellen DeGeneres, People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant. Then you’re holding something back.
Jules Renard, The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management. You fall asleep, she's there. Well, neither does bathing — that’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar, 45.
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – Winnie the Pooh, 57. Laugh.
— Benjamin Franklin, Founding Father of the United States, 23. Eddie Murphy, Mick Jagger’s lips’ so big, black people be going, “You got some big-ass lips!”. Ellen DeGeneres, I think we need more love in the world. My body is contained within the limitlessness of my soul. Mark Twain, A boss on vacation is the most cost effective measure.
Because opposites attract.
Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Robin Williams Click to tweet, You’re only given a little spark of madness. In life, you’re given a test that teaches you a lesson.
Ellen DeGeneres, Accept who you are, unless you’re a serial killer. ‘I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. "By all means, marry.
— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, German writer, 16. Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. Ray Romano, I don’t know what’s more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or the acting like you know what you’re doing. I’m not arguing. I don’t remember it, but it’s good. It helps to remember that. Don’t judge me.
Dave Chappelle, You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.
and take heart: One thing every good marriage has in common is that its participants know when to take a step back and share a laugh, for better or for worse. Click to tweet.
Henry Ford, The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.
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